“How was your 2005?” I hear the reporter asking random
people on the streets of Ethiopia from ETV.
I ask the shop keeper’s daughter the same question…”Houlet shi amidst
indet nebere?” “Arif new” she replies, as to say it was Nice!
We are sitting in her lounge room as she makes us
coffee. It’s been a long time since we
visited after being neighbours for the first year of our stay here. She’s being extra hospitable, making us
popcorn, bringing us soft drinks and biscuits from the shop and conversation
from her ever improving English vocabulary.
“Anchis?” she returns the question to me. How was my 2005? “Tiru new” I reply. Meaning: It was good. Then I stop myself and answer again, this
time a little more honestly- enough for an almost eleven year old to
handle. Actually, it was a little bit
difficult, I reply in Amharic. She
quietly nods her head in agreement. She,
like most of the community who know us, know that there had been some changes
and that Asaua was away for a while throughout this past year.
A year ago we had just reunited as a family as I had
returned earlier from a family trip to Brisbane Australia. We re-established ourselves with different
roles, different source and level of income, a different sending office and
then moved into a different house. They
all seemed like better options at the time.
And in most ways, they were.
Yet the different roles called for different routines. Ones we weren’t ready for.
The different source and level of income resulted in
different prices we had to pay. Ones we
weren’t willing to pay.
The different sending office faced some personal and
financial struggles that ended in death.
A tragedy that we weren’t prepared for.
And the new house begged for maintenance in water and
sewerage systems that caused four months of bucket showers and toilet flushing
in beautifully tiled bathrooms. A
problem that we weren’t equipped for.
We celebrated the fact that we were receiving a bigger
blessing at the same time as feeling caught between two worlds. The world of marriage and family and the world of ministry. A chasm we had found ourselves in before. A stretch that had before broken us and a
balance that was easily tipped. The
scales once again were straining.
Where my spunky husband ends up retreating to isolation in the home, I end up retreating to freedom outside the walls of home.
To tip the scales even further we struggled once again down
the path of work permit acquisition. A
mountain that we needed to climb yet one that continued to bring more twists
and turns along the way. The first New
Zealand missionaries with Mekane Yesus church not having being sent by a
Lutheran Church and not having a New Zealand embassy in the country all made it
difficult for us to obtain this piece of paper we so desperately needed.
Still the strain at home increased.
Without going into too much detail, as all good things often
come to an end, so did our time with the organization that we initially came
with. The death of a baby resulted in
the death of our support. But finishing
with that organization was okay with me.
I knew it was time. But I didn’t
see the war that was about to rage.
False accusations were fired. Mass weapons of destructive words were sent
by email and text. Defensive solutions
were intercepted with baffled lies. The
work of the enemy increased. Tears were
shed. And the target was me.
Not that I want to play victim. Coz I am not.
Not that I want to lay blame. Coz
I don’t. Not even that I want to spread
rumours. Coz that’s not right. But the war that lay dormant had finally
erupted and we were left with battle scars.
Fortunately we serve a God who took the place of our battle scars.
But he was wounded for
our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities, The chastisement for our
peace was upon Him And by His stripes we are HEALED.
All we like sheep have
gone stray, We have turned, every one, to his own way, and the Lord has laid on
Him the iniquity of us all. Isaiah
53:5-6
I got to this point of straying. Of thinking that once again I knew the
way. I struggled to see the other
alternatives. I struggled to see His
way. The vision had preceded the
relationship that was needed.
Perceptions were misconstrued once again of the God who had saved me
time after time. Especially after Asaua decided to leave for New Zealand and his eminent return was not so eminent. Fear and insecurities crept in and I screamed "I WANT OUT!"
All that was good was forgotten and all that was bad had resurfaced. I devised an exit strategy and came up with a back up plan about who life with him was going to work. After 16 years of marriage, I decided that I couldn't do it any more. I know, so crazy.
I walked familiar streets yet my view was contorted. So God in His faithfulness, sent me a
message. I wrote about it a few months
ago in the middle of the mess.
After Asaua had gone to New Zealand, I went into Addis Ababa
to book a ticket for my son Jamal to join his father in New Zealand- something
I really didn’t feel at peace about but nevertheless attempted. My efforts failed and so I went on a hunt for
an internet café to see what information I could get online. After leaving the internet café in the heat
of the day I came out of this mall trying to find the fastest way back to my
next destination – Jamal’s school.
There were two ways I could have gone. What seemed to be the fast way, was a back
path that I had gone down a couple of months before with an Ethiopian friend
who found our way through the short cuts and quickly to where we needed to go. We were on a hunt for Telecom so we could get
a new sim card for our visitor.
That day, my eyes were peeled for a Telecom sign and I ended
up taking notice of all the shops and products that were available on that
street. It seemed like a back street I
had not seen and far from any street I had previously encountered on my visits
to Addis Ababa. I remembered the way I went with my friend that day and as I
collected my memories of that street I realized it wasn’t familiar at all yet
the street I wanted to get to this day was.
This time I was by myself so I had to navigate my way
without asking anyone for directions and possibly giving away the fact that I
am not Ethiopian! It was Jamal’s
school’s street and I had been down it many times. So I took the long route and started walking
down this all familiar street.
As I walked down the street, I started to notice shops I had
gone into with this friend a couple of months before.
The most bizarre moment came when I realized that this road
that I thought was far away and foreign was the familiar road I was after-the street of Jamal's school. Before I had seen it in a different light as
I had entered it from a different direction, was paying more attention to
detail and was accompanied by a different person. A translator. So I could have taken that short cut after ALL! But because I thought it was a different
street I went the long way!
It wasn’t that I was just disoriented that day. This was me seeing the road from a different
perspective and in a different context.
But it was the same road. There
had to be a message in this experience…
A man I had a conversation with that week, started sharing with me randomly how we can walk the road of life by ourselves or we can walk it with God and know our paths are directed and ordered by the One who knows best for us. I could relate.
A few years ago, I found myself going down a road- not a
literal road, but a path that lead me and my family to a place that I didn’t
want to be. But then I got to a place
where I realized that “By steadfast love and faithfulness iniquity is atoned
for, and by the fear of the Lord one turns away from evil.” Proverbs 16:6 I turned away from the evilness that was
invading my soul and my world and embraced the love that God had for me in His faithfulness. I went on this “soul searching” journey to
deal with STUFF from my past and learnt a lot about what led me to that place
and how not to go there again! I was
paying attention to the details of my life as I felt it was key to experiencing
freedom from my past. I was walking with the greatest Translator of all who translated my thinking into the language of heaven. Instead of meditating on what I had been told about myself in the past, I concentrated on what God said about me.
I found new friends and support systems, we started at a new
church that offered the answers and helped me to navigate my way around my life
choices. I was restored and felt like I
was in a good place, that I had dealt with it and that a new “me” was
found. I was in a different place, armed
and guarded from the evil that so easily beset me. I was GOOD to go and move
forward from a place of wholeness and restoration. A place that didn’t seem familiar to me at
the time.
Recently a lot has happened here and in my
heart. Pressure and pain came in again
and with an unexpected force. Emotions
ran high and confusion reared its ugly head.
It seemed like from every direction troubles were knocking on the
door. Magnified by the fact that we are
on the MISSION FIELD and we shouldn’t be facing such hardship with the blessing
God promises when we left our homeland to do HIS WILL (false thinking 101), I
was thrown into a spin of betrayal and disappointment and abandonment. And surely, as a missionary now under the
covering of a great church and pastor, there would be victory and freedom that
I should experience. Even as
missionaries called to Ethiopia, we should already have it all together and be
able to withstand all the fiery darts that were being thrown at us, or at
ME!
“I have been down this road before!” was something I kept
saying even out loud! “I know what this
is about and how this will end- this is all familiar territory…I will keep
going with the experiences I have learnt from the past and this time I will get
it RIGHT! AND since I have had all my
STUFF dealt with, I can do it now from a more mature and more spiritual
place!” (false thinking 102)
I! I! I! It is always I! - from the movie Lean on Me
I was slowly sinking back into my old habits of doing it in
my own strength, I found myself alone again and trying to navigate my way down
this familiar road so that no one would know that I was LOST! So I kept walking down this road, feeling
confident that this was the right way to go and that this was NOT the road I
had gone down before. I had already
tackled that road and this time I was more the wise. Even though the road was longer, it made me
stronger but as I got stronger, I realized how the muscles of my heart were
hardening. As my heart was hardening, I
realized how my STUFF about to make a re-appearance in my life as the pressure
slowly squeezed out what was deeply embedded in my soul. Ahhh…not a road I want to go down again.
Oh, it’s the same road!
But this time I am seeing it in a different context and I am seeing it
with a different destination in view. My
heart formed a seal that was bouncing off the attempts of my husband to keep
our love going and I wanted it to end. I could do this, I thought. I can go this alone and no one can stop
me!
Who are you to judge
someone else’s servant? To their own
master, servants stand or fall. And they
will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand. Rom 14:4
So this amazing master, Lord, Abba Father of mine. He took me through some standing exercises. He was not about to let me fall.
A wise lady said to me this week, that God deals in layers. While He may have dealt with some of my STUFF
in the years prior to coming to Ethiopia, He was about to tackle the next
layer! And it cut deep and it brought up
more STUFF and the way I reacted was an indicator of where my heart was really
at. Was it pliable and teachable still
or was it stubborn and hard? God was wanting to circumsize my heart.
So I went back to Addis the next day after this failed
attempt to buy a ticket, for another failed attempt. But so as to not waste time, I took my
daughters with me and we hung out for breakfast and ended up in a
bookstore. I found this book called “The
Woman behind the mask” by Jan Coleman. I
reluctantly bought it thinking that maybe people will know that sometimes, I still
wear a mask. Eek. Not what I stand for. I want to be authentic and real all the
time. This would show how much integrity
I have and how open I can be for people to talk to me. Haha.
I got slapped in the face with this book. I turned my head and my heart and it gave me a different
perspective. (And if you are a woman,
you should read this book!)
It took the road I was walking down, which seemed so
familiar and right (There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is
the way to death. Proverbs 16:25) and put it in a different light. In God’s light. It reflected the reality of the temptations
that we face as women in the 21st century to appear like we have it
all together. I could finally admit
that I didn’t have it all together and that I needed some support.
Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul
and health to the body. Proverbs 16:24 These are what the words of friends have done for
me. I am thankful that some people take
time to press reply on my email updates and encourage me, us, with gracious words.
One quote I will give you from the book, is this:
“Turn your pain into passion and your messes into
ministries. Go on the road with the
story of your life and share it with those who need to know that God is the
answer. God is enough.”
And that last statement is what is being drilled down into
the depths of my heart again- God, plus nothing, is enough. When that is engrained and embedded in the
deepest layer of my soul, then all else will fall into place. I thought that God was done with my heart,
but He dug deeper and WILL continue to do so.
I am praying that one day, from a place of strength, as I walk down this
road with other women who find themselves in similar situations, that I will be
able to help them navigate their way too."
God took me through a process where He sifted me, shifted me, brought me through the storm.
I felt like Peter, going through this amazing journey with Jesus here for almost two years. Then betraying him at the last. But there was a purpose in the pain.
God sifted me and allowed me to go through this process of pain. The pain of rejection. The pain of my sin. The pain of betrayal and feeling alone. He allowed it so that He could put to death all the things that I thought I wanted and needed. He helped me to realize once AGAIN that HE knows best! His ways are always better than mine.
Jesus prayed for Simon Peter to succeed and then to comfort others with
that comfort of a forgiving God. Imagine
the confusion that set in for Peter after he betrayed his closest friend and
Lord. And just after Jesus had just changed his name to Peter, meaning Rock and shared His deepest heart with Him. He
changed his name but not his destiny.
His destiny was to play a part in Jesus’ crucifixion in the worst way
imaginable. But God’s grace came down
and He used him again to establish the church on the day of Pentecost.
He didn't deem him useless. He didn't condemn him even when He knew that He would betray Him.
We have it all wrong.
When we look at sin and people’s messes.
We see their mess but God sees their ministry. I am SO thankful that God sees mine. I am so thankful that God took time...Four months of separation with my husband to show me the Covenant God He is and the importance He places on Covenants we make with each other. Now our marriage is stronger and healthier than ever. But that's another blog. Suffice to say, Danny Silk from Bethel Church Redding California has some REALLY good relationship advice that totally broke through to us and our situation.
"A chord of three strands is not easily broken." - Ecclesiastes 4:12
This is me.
This is my Hope.
Thank You Jesus for taking the place of the penalty I should pay and rightfully deserve. You gave your life for me, I will live my life for you.
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